Ice Age: Collision Course - movie review

Ice Age: Collision Course

Plot: Manny, Diego, and Sid join up with Buck to fend off a meteor strike that would destroy the world.
Cast: Ray Romano, Denis Leary, John Leguizamo
Director: Mike Thurmeier
Rating: U (mild slapstick, very mild bad language)
Runtime: 1hr 34 mins
Release Date: Friday 15th July 2016

Endings of a franchise are usually a bittersweet thing to watch. I actually thought that Ice Age 4: Continental Drift was the final film in the Ice Age series but alas, the welcome release of abandonment from this franchise has to last a short while longer. After simply trying to survive for two films, then fighting dinosaurs and pirates for the others, the Ice Age crew now deal with, wait for it... space and meteors. I'll say that again, the main crux of Ice Age 5 (still can't believe they've made five of these) is for Manny and his family to stop a meteor from crashing into Earth. Not to survive it but to actually stop it. *Sighs*


A fair assumption to make on my behalf is that I don't entirely despise this film. I just feel wiped of any emotion because of it. Writing this review is tough simply because it didn't leave any impression on me. If the film didn't care in the slightest, why should I? The writers don't care and the voice cast certainly don't as all of them sound like they wish they hadn't signed that contract many years ago. Ray Romano returns as Manny the Mammoth in what one can only assume is an attempt to remain relevant. I understand that having skipped a film, I might have to catch up with certain plot points that developed but when did Manny become such an arsehole? His main goal in life is to keep his family alive and happy yet the arc for Manny involves him actively sabotaging his daughter's relationship to make her unhappy. What is that all about? That isn't Manny. What's worse is that his wife Ellie (Queen Latifah) goes along with it even though she acts as Manny's stern voice of reason. These characters were never that memorable to begin with but the writers of Collision Course have made them unrecognisable. Out of all the films in the series, the first Ice Age was the only one I liked and the main reason for that was the dynamic between Sid the Sloth (John Leguizamo) and Diego the Sabretooth Tiger. The saying goes that opposites attract and their comedic pairing in the first film made me laugh. Here, it's nonexistent. I don't mean like they don't work well together but I'm pretty sure that they never share a scene when it's just them. Instead, Diego is sidelined with a female Tiger (Jennifer Lopez) and now he's become such a weak-willed pussy. I always liked Diego because he was like the action star of the films. In Collision Course, both him and Sid do absolutely nothing apart from wander along with the mammoths. It's like inviting a long forgotten family member to your Christmas party and all they do is drink all of your alcohol. Sid was a hit or miss character throughout the series. He began as a very funny and entertaining goofball but since then, became too idiotic and irritating (similar to Alan in The Hangover franchise). For his fifth outing, it's clear Leguizamo really wants to be anywhere but in the recording studio. Think of it like you're being forced to ride a unicycle with a gun to your head but you haven't even ridden without stabilisers. The Sloth doesn't feature and when it does, the sole purpose of his scenes are to feed his sex life. I'm not kidding. With every character around him being in a relationship, Sid's main focus is to mate rather than save the Earth. 

Now involving space, who better to explain it all than Neil deGrasse Tyson. Wait what?? No. Tell me it's not true. This man is a self respected genius and now he's just becoming a parody of himself. Well that's mildly inconvenient but at least there isn't a forced celebrity voice who also happens to sing the main song as the credits roll. Bugger, there is isn't there? Jessie J appears in the final act in what feels like such a tact on role to make the audience go "Ooo. That's the singer." Perhaps she just stick to singing rather than acting. Probably for the best. Ok, there may be a scientific genius and forced celebrity voice but surely they wouldn't have the balls to bring Simon Pegg back because he's smart. Oh shit. I'm in shock. Why would he do this? He's just been in Star Trek Beyond and that's one of the best films this year and now, within a matter of weeks, he stars in one of the worst. The most positive thing I can say about Collision Course is that Pegg voicing Buck is mostly enjoyable. Buck is incredibly off-putting with what he is able to accomplish but Pegg manages to produce two maybe three laughs because I imagine he ad-libbed a few of his lines to let it make the tiniest bit of sense. 

Ice Age: Collision Course hasn't reached the point to where I'm reaching dangerously high anger levels but I'm getting bored of thinking and talking about it. The writers, who have somehow crafted a story, have gone far beyond the point of running out of ideas. You're more likely to have found a more comprehensive and legitimate story written by a newborn. It centres around the apocalypse. That makes about as much sense as My Little Pony being set in a Nuclear Holocaust. Hmm. To be honest, I'd watch the hell out of that. Getting back to the point, this film is stupid and I don't like it. The film I had seen just before this was Finding Dory and I was on such a high after that film and this has brought me crashing down. You know what, let the meteor crash. At least then we'll know for sure that this series is dead and buried. Plus, it'd be informative for kids to see how Ice Age would occur realistically. The worst thing of all however, is that the freaking squirrel (Scrat) still can't keep hold of his nuts. It was cool when it was treated like a silly Tom and Jerry sketch but now he's in space? Were you high when you wrote this? What the hell were you thinking? Who looks at Scrat and goes, yeah let's send him to space? Did they hate him that much? Jesus Christ this film is dumb. Not at the level of silly dumb but worrying about sending them off to a psych ward dumb.

This probably hasn't been the most coherent reviews of mine but I've really struggled because Collision Course just sucks. I'd rather vomit in my hands and clap than watch another Ice Age film. Just go extinct already. Pegg as Buck is literally my only positive part of this film but the only collision that happened in this movie was my palm to my forehead. The tagline of the poster sums it up best; 'One Small Step. One Giant Mess.'

My Verdict: 2/10

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