Assassin's Creed - movie review

Assassin's Creed

Plot: When Callum Lynch explores the memories of his ancestor Aguilar and gains the skills of a Master Assassin, he discovers he is a descendant of the secret Assassins society.
Cast: Michael Fassbender, Marion Cotillard, Jeremy Irons
Director: Justin Kurzel
Rating: 12A (moderate violence, infrequent strong language)
Runtime: 1hr 55 mins
Release Date: Sunday 1st January 2017

Well, shit! If you had any hope that the much anticipated Assassin's Creed cinematic adaptation would finally break the curse of the inability to make good video game movies, then prepare to be disappointed. Kicking off 2017 lacklusterly, Assassin's Creed did fool me into thinking that this would be the one. Warcraft didn't do it but everything I read and had seen about this film led me to believe that this would finally be the video game to movie adaptation that will prove to all it can be done. I wanted this film to be good, great in fact, but it might actually be one of the worst video game movies ever made.

I've made the conclusion that Fassbender and Cotillard appearances in this film were part of a contract that meant they could star in Kurzel's Macbeth, an actor's dream. Michael Fassbender has always been a confident leading man and possibly a very underrated action star, however, with most of the best actors, there are films that an actor regrets. Unfortunately, this may be one of Fassbender's. It's not that he's bad in it but for a large portion of the runtime, he looks bored, uninterested and wanting to be elsewhere, a similar sensation to what I was experiencing. He plays two roles; Cal Lynch (a death row inmate who winds up at Abstergo becoming a test subject for the Animus) and Aguilar (a member of the Assassin's Creed in 1492 during the Spanish Inquisition). The character of Cal is the definition of dull as dishwater. Fassbender is mostly monotone throughout but that's due to the script never giving him anything to do nor any information about his character to influence a performance. Even the legendary Daniel Day-Lewis would struggle with the material here. There are also some moments that Fassbender just completely misses the mark on. In a scene that's meant to depict Cal practicing assassin moves, it's more like he's playing a game of Just Dance whilst drunk. Another scene is meant to show him losing his mind by, and I'm not joking here, singing whilst connected to the Animus. It's impossible to tell if that was a deplorable attempt at humour or it was simply a poorly conceived idea. Whatever it was, it was really bad and took me out of the moment. His second character, Aguilar, is more difficult to talk about. Not because the character is secretive and involves the discussion of spoilers, but rather because he hardly features in the film. Yeah, if you were hoping to get an Assassin's Creed film that transports you back into the past like all the games have, then this film does provide it. For four scenes and all of them are action based so not a single bit of story can really be told all that coherently. This movie taught me absolutely nothing about Aguilar. I don't need to know his entire life story, his mother's maiden name or his favourite colour, but some explanation of who he is was both desired and necessary. Without any development or care for either Cal or Aguilar, it meant that as the film progressed, my investment dwindled to then become nonexistent as the film reached its halfway mark. 

It's not just Fassbender who mails it in as Marion Cotillard is guilty of the same. She impressed me during Macbeth and most recently Allied, but in Assassin's Creed, the only emotion from her was confusion. Not from her character but most likely from Cotillard herself as she questions the plot in her head whilst reevaluating her choices of films to star in. I've never seen her look so disinterested in a film before and she had to pretend to like Owen Wilson for an entire film. Apart from revealing her name, I'm stumped for ideas as to what she actually did in this film. Sofia's sole purpose is to hook Cal up to the Animus and give the exposition so we, the audience, have some inkling as to what the bloody hell is happening. As for her father, Jeremy Irons, can you guess what part he plays? I'll give you some clues without revealing it fully because the film thinks it's being smart by pulling the wool over your eyes. Ok, Clue #1: He's skinny, tall and has a British accent. Clue #2: He runs a mysterious organisation that wants a unique artifact but the reasons he gives for it are specifically unclear. And Clue #3: He has lost of old weapons stashed away just for memorial sake. How dumb do these filmmakers think their audiences are? Spoiler Alert here: Jeremy Irons plays a twat. A wanker. THE BLOODY VILLAIN! The problem is, we've seen Irons as a villain so many times now that when this revelation comes, and everyone in the cinema is meant to be shocked, I sat there questioning if the director thought we were asleep the entire time. It's just stupid. This whole film is utterly stupid. Imagine someone clearly writing on a board 2+2=4 but they never tell you. Then half an hour later, they tell you that same information but expect you to be blown away. Come on guys, you're better than this. I know many people that play your games have never ventured outside nor kicked a ball but they understand the simple things. Don't treat us like idiots. Irons shuffles his way through the film, avoiding the damage of his career and simply waiting until Warner Bros phone him to ask him to appear as Alfred again.

FACT: Michael Fassbender and Ariane Labed did 95% of the fights in the film themselves.

The main obstacle that Assassin's Creed faced, and the same goes for all video game adaptations, is the vital emotional attachment. With a video game, in a roundabout way, you are the main character and the main character is you. You also have, on average, about fifteen hours of gameplay to understand this character and follow them on their journey. So, to cram what is usually fifteen hours of investment into a two hour film is nearly impossible. Not to mention, Cal and Aguilar are not existing characters in this universe so fans of the series and general human beings want to know about these characters. The problem is, the film treats Cal and Aguilar like we already know who they are. Aguilar is given hardly any introduction and by the end of the film, we know as much about him as we did at the start. As for Cal, all we're given is that he had a bit of an alarming childhood incident and then he's suddenly murdered someone resulting in his place on death row. Who did he murder? Why did he murder them? For the life of me, I couldn't tell you. For all aspiring video game movie directors out there, stop trying to make a movie that feels like a video game and actually make a movie that is related to the video game it's based off of. Assassin's Creed also makes the monumental mistake of hardly featuring the timeline we travel back to. That's the whole point of the game. Be honest, if you've played the games, when have you ever found the best level is when you're Desmond? I understand that for people who have had no experience with the game, a lot has to be explained with the idea of tracing back the DNA, the synchronization elements as well as other such things like the Bleeding Effect. Sadly, it focuses so much time on trying to explain everything that it explains nothing at all. I've played the games and I was still confused when Sofia is detailing how the Animus works. That's the primary issue. At the root of all of Assassin's Creed's flaws, it has no idea what it's trying to accomplish. The film begins at a tumultuous rate, hurtling through scenes and shoving Cal into the Animus before you even have a chance to understand what's happening. From that point onwards, the film acts as if you are onboard for the ride. Obviously films are personal and if it does hook you from the beginning, you might enjoy it. For me, because of the unwatchable opening, I was never on the bandwagon for the rest of the movie. 

The only hope that I was sure I could rest on if all else failed, was exciting action. Kurzel did a good job with Macbeth's combat scenes but here, it all went out the window because it's incredibly jarring. I won't lie, there are some sequences that are impressive. The parkour (although horrendously underused) felt like it was directly ripped out of the game and the leap of faith was equally worthwhile especially when you realise that it was done for real. A stuntman really did jump 125ft and land and what you see onscreen is that jump. Where the action scenes falter, is the decision to cut back and forth between the timelines. With the slight update of the Animus, (instead of a chair, it's a fork that lifts and simulates your movements), whenever Aguilar is chasing after Templars or running across roofs, we see Cal doing the same but simulated in the room. It might have been a good idea on paper but it didn't turn out that way. The transition from present to past back to present and then again to past made for an uncomfortable watch. I couldn't totally commit to the fight scenes. I wanted to see the tension and continual action rather than suddenly alleviate it all by seeing Cal climb a projected wall. Let me explain in layman's terms. Imagine you're reading this review and all of a sudden, ce commentaire traduit au français. Unexpected and unwanted isn't it? Finally, this movie is loud. I don't mean in the colour sense because the entire film looks like it's been edited with an Instagram filter but instead, it's awfully noisy. The score is too extreme and bassy that you really feel like leaving to clear your head and when mixed with horses hooves or guns firing, the whole experience is unpleasant.

Utter rubbish. Didn't care for the characters at all, and the shoddy story ruined any chance of a good video game movie happening in my lifetime. It sets itself up for a sequel but I can't think of anything worse. Justin Kurzel tried his best but his best wasn't good enough. The action could have been a positive if it wasn't ruined by terrible editing. At one point Cal exclaims "WTF is happening?" My thoughts exactly Cal. Do we even bother hoping for Uncharted now?

My Verdict: 2/10

What did you think of Assassin's Creed? Is there any video game movie that could work? Sound off in the comments below.

If you like what you've seen here don't forget to share this review with everyone you know, comment below and check out my other reviews. Thanks for reading!