Fifty Shades Freed - movie review
Fifty Shades Freed
Plot: Anastasia and Christian get married, but Jack Hyde continues to threaten their relationship.
Cast: Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Eric Johnson
Director: James Foley
Certificate: 18 (strong sex)
Runtime: 1hr 45 mins
Release Date: Friday 9th February 2018
Strike up the band. Cue the orchestra. It's time to celebrate because, and it brings me so much joy to say these words, IT'S OVER. IT'S FINALLY OVER! For three years we have suffered a plague that has swept over cinema but now, we can officially breathe a sigh of relief because this disease has been vanquished. Never again will I have to subject myself to this torture nor will anyone else be manipulated into seeing another one. The Fifty Shades saga has come to end. All this celebration does have to be briefly put on hold because I do have a review to write and believe me, it isn't going to be flattering. However, this review is going to work slightly differently. I'll open with my overall thoughts of the film and give my criticisms but I'll keep them short and brief because there isn't much to say that hasn't already been said in my reviews for the other two. So, to switch things up a little and let the rage flow through my body, I'm going to breakdown the plot of Fifty Shades Freed, including spoilers, just to explain the absolute ridiculousness. Warning: this review may contain foul language because this film, and the series as a whole, has incensed me.
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| It's not too late. You can still say no. |
To save a lot of hassle, my overall reaction to Fifty Shades Freed is nearly identical to Fifty Shades Darker. You'd be mistaken for thinking this was the exact same movie. As far as the plot is concerned, there isn't one. What the movie tries to sell as a story is a sequence of repetitive events circling around for just under two hours. There's a reconciliation of sorts (albeit lacklustre) followed by an inevitable cheesy pop song that will make that one person in the audience say aloud, "Oh, I know this one." Then, there's an inevitable sex scene once the song has concluded or, if the film is deciding to be risky, allows the song to continue during the sex. On a side note, the sex in this film is totally overhyped. I remember when the books were released and everyone was going crazy about how overtly sexual the sex scenes were written. Yet, in all three films, none of the sex scenes have ever gotten me hot under the collar. Instead, I'm either laughing at how out of hand it gets or feeling really uncomfortable as I hear middle aged women start to moan. After the sex, there's always an argument between the two that always relates to Christian getting out of hand but that's quickly resolved because Ana is a poorly written character and she rolls over and gives in to Christian because he "makes her feel special". NEWSFLASH: THAT'S THE SIGN OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP but somehow, everyone involved seems to think it's acceptable. Dornan and Johnson are still as wooden as ever and I've seen more chemistry between a Terry's Chocolate Orange and myself. At this point, I'm no longer angry at the two of them but rather feeling sorry. They're not exactly trying with the script but even Daniel Day-Lewis wouldn't be able to make this dialogue work.
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| If you listen very carefully you can hear the swoons of sexually deprived middle aged women. |
But before I crack on with explaining the plot of Fifty Shades Freed so you can understand how utterly insane this movie is without ever having to see it, let me give you a history lesson and also the primary reason as to why these movies turn out like they do. Back in 2008, there was the release of a small film known as Twilight. Based on a series of popular teen oriented novels, the film adaptation was anything but well received. It was an atrocious start to what would be an atrocious series. However, it must have struck a chord with some as it inspired many to begin writing unofficial stories known as 'Fan-fiction' in which a percentage of these stories were focused on sexual encounters and escapades between the characters. E.L. James was one such writer. She decided to expand her story and embellish the relationship further and did so by changing the names from Bella and Edward to Ana and Christian and supplemented in blood-sucking businessmen instead of the actual bloodsuckers. This quickly became its own novel and thus Fifty Shades Of Grey was spawned. Soon after the success of the books, a movie adaptation came calling and in 2015, the cinematic telling of Fifty Shades Of Grey was released directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson. However, it had been widely reported that Johnson and James clashed frequently on set meaning that Johnson did not return for the sequel. James then recruited James Foley, whom she wrapped around her little finger and then, and tell me if this doesn't scream BIG RED WARNING FLAGS to you, hired her own husband as the films new screenwriter. For reference, Niall Leonard does not have any prior writing credits to his name nor any experience so this was solely a ploy for James to have overall control with these films. For most authors, that might be acceptable but for James, who used to write slash fiction, her skills do not belong in Hollywood. If you're looking for someone to blame about these films, look no further than her. Now that this series is finally over, Hollywood executives need to do all they can to get her away from a typewriter.
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| Ice cream is for eating, not smearing on bodies. |
FACT: Kim Basinger was set to return as series antagonist Elena Lincoln, even briefly appearing in the trailers, but her scenes were ultimately cut from the final edit.
That concludes my brief thoughts on Fifty Shades Freed which, if it were to be summed up in one word, would be shit. But the rant isn't going to conclude there. This movie isn't getting off that easy. So, here is a honest description of the plot of Fifty Shades Freed and I swear on my life, everything you're about to read does actually happen in the film. When Fifty Shades Darker finished, Ana had idiotically accepted Christian's proposal and Freed opens with their marriage and, YOU GUESSED IT, a soppy pop song plays over the top. The newlyweds board a private jet for a holiday and before the opening credits can even have a chance to fade away, Dornan is already pounding away at his missus. At least give us a chance to pour the bleach first. Whilst on honeymoon, Christian is annoyed that Ana wants to sunbathe in the nude along with many other of the beach-goers. Feeling frustrated by Ana's non-compliance, Christian forces Ana back to the yacht and has sex with her. Aww. Doesn't that sound so romantic? However, the honeymoon is cut short as Christian and Ana have to return home urgently. It turns out that Jack, Ana's ex-boss and, as the film describes him, spurned lover (EVEN THOUGH HE TRIED TO RAPE HER), has demanded vengeance and suddenly become Ethan Hunt. Through a series of Mission: Impossible-esque CCTV scenes, it's revealed that Jack secretly infiltrated Christian Grey's company and planted a device to hack into his accounts. For clarification, in the space of a few months, Jack has gone from a publishing editor to a terrorist. After a brief fallout regarding Ana not wanting to change her email address to match her new surname and a housing proprietor getting a stern telling off from Ana, we have possibly the most jaw-droppingly awful moment of the entire Fifty Shades franchise. From out of nowhere, Ana turns into Dominic Toretto and the movie turns into a wannabe Fast & Furious entry. Christian and Ana are being followed and Ana, behind the wheel, leads a car chase from the woods into the city. The whole sequence is about as thrilling as reading War and Peace in Russian. And then, to top it all off, as soon as the car chase concludes and they pull up into a safe space, without checking on one another to see if they're ok nor planning to get home safely, Ana immediately straddles Christian and has sex with him in the parking lot. Within five minutes, we went from Fast & Furious to FakeTaxi. Would you believe me if I told you that all of this happens within the first thirty minutes? We're not even halfway into the film and yet again, like its predecessors, NOTHING HAS FUCKING HAPPENED!
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| Please take some inspiration from Thelma & Louise and drive off a cliff. |
Despite knowing that his slave, I mean wife, is being hunted down by a terrorist/rapist/psychopath, Christian leaves on a business trip but after informing the audience for 112th time that he has upped security, Jack still manages to break in and find Ana. After a brief altercation, Jack is found and arrested never to be seen again until the movie runs out of ideas and brings him back later on. Christian returns and the worst couple in the world argue over Ana's freedom and the dominant side of Christian emerges once again. I often compare Christian Grey to The Hulk. He's smart and cunning when his emotions are balanced but as soon as he tips over the edge, he snaps and starts spanking women, tying them up, having rough sex and whipping them. No one wants to fuck The Hulk so why should Christian be treated differently? As always, Ana rolls over and gives up immediately because the screenwriter has no other other creative way of bringing the two back together, but who cares? All E.L. James wants is your money. She doesn't care whether you're offended by the film or shoving a cucumber up your vag and getting off on it. In a rare moment of humanity, Christian decides to apologise to Ana by flaunting his privilege like never before and hiring a private jet to take Ana on a getaway with her friends. What has this got to do with the rest of the film? I haven't got a fucking clue. During this holiday, we learn three important things; 1. Ice cream should never be used during sex, 2. Christian Grey can apparently sing and play the piano and 3. Jamie Dornan can most definitely not sing nor play the piano. Soon after the ice cream sex, Ana discovers she's pregnant and immediately, I was getting ready to call the NSPCC. Upon discovering her pregnancy, Christian is appalled that having unprotected sex fifteen times a day might eventually lead to creating a child. He reacts as most soon-to-be fathers do and gets blind drunk and finds solace in his old mistress and child sex offender (yes, this film tries to defend a child sex offender) and within a couple minutes, all is forgiven and Ana is back to riding Christian like an outlaw. It was at this point that I knew James' poor husband had begun to run out of ideas because he reintroduces Jack back into the equation. After paying a $500,000 bail, because that amount of money seems to be loose change for everyone, Jack kidnaps Rita Ora and holds her hostage as everyone in the audience breathes a sigh of relief. In a series of incredibly convenient events, Jack is eventually arrested after giving Ana a good few kicks to the stomach and Christian apologises for his recent behaviour. Ana then drops a gigantic bombshell on Christian as she reveals where his true mother is buried. This has been an emotional staple in his life for years and the film dismisses this in a finale montage during a recap of all the other films. That is the plot of Fifty Shades Freed and now I'm going to bury myself in a deep grave so I never have to be reminded of its existence again.
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| Look! I have abs. That forgives all of my sexually perverse flaws. |
Praise the Lord that this franchise is over. The acting is as uninspired as the creativity. The sex scenes are about as arousing as watching incest in Game Of Thrones. The plot is non-existent but above all else, the fact that this franchise was made in the first place is infuriating. Sayonara. Auf wiedersehen. Au revoir. Peace out. Have fun in hell.
My Verdict: 1/10
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