Year In Review - Worst Movies of 2017

Worst Movies of 2017

2017 was a pretty shit year for most of us. Donald 'Oompa-Loompa' Trump still reigns over America (unfortunately). The Oscars were turned into a farce when an envelope mix-up resulted in the wrong film being announced for Best Picture. But worst of all, violence and unrest spread across the world affecting innocent lives. I'm not often one to get political within these posts but this year, more than any other, the world of entertainment (both film and TV) served as a way for members of the public to escape the constant threats across the world that we seem to be waking up to every morning. And thankfully, film and TV responded by giving us some of the best shows and films we've ever seen. So, in my annual 'Year In Review' I'll be covering the best of the best and the worst of the worst too.

We had some great films in 2017 but, as always, there were some total stinkers. This list is putting some of the worst films of 2017 on a pedestal so as to warn others to stay away. Now, these aren't films that I necessarily was disappointed with nor were just forgettable. The films on this list are films that I despised watching and signify a severe lack of judgement in the filmmaking world. Believe me, I take no pleasure in seeing bad movies. I never go into a film expecting it to be bad but unfortunately, not every film can be of an excellent quality. Before the countdown gets underway, here are the rules of qualification:
- The film must have been released in the United Kingdom between the dates of 1st January 2017 to 31st December 2017.
- Made for TV movies are not eligible.
Also, for further notice, this is MY list. You may be sitting there, reading this, thinking about the films that you hated and then may be disappointed that those films didn't appear on this list. I try to see as many films as possible throughout the year but there are times were some films slip through the cracks. Unforgettable, starring Rosario Dawson and Katherine Heigl, was supposedly a top contender for many due to its Lifetime movie and soap opera similarities. And for anyone expecting to see Transformers: The Last Knight on this list, sorry to disappoint you but I had fun with that movie. As always, there are a few dishonourable mentions that just missed the mark but were still unfathomably terrible. A Bad Moms Christmas was released in the year and it was the most pointless cash grab attempt of the year. The Circle was also a mind-boggling screw-up as it buried the talents of Emma Watson, John Boyega and Tom Hanks and shoved the whole "TECHNOLOGY IS BAD" argument at us. The remake of Flatliners was also a tragic example of how not to bring back a film, give it a modern update for a 90s film that no one remembered and make a film that no one asked for. And then there was Brad Pitt's venture in Netflix with War Machine, possibly one of the dullest and most uninspired films of the year. So, with the formalities out of the way, let's delve into this dumpster and hope to crawl our way out unscathed and disease free...



10. The Mountain Between Us

The trailers lied to you. No, I'm not talking about how the trailers make it look like a survival adventure film whereas the actual film itself is a romance that just so happens to be set in the wintery wilderness, but the trailers made it seem like The Mountain Between Us could have been a good movie. Alas, it really wasn't. Idris Elba and Kate Winslet do what they can but they cannot save this film from plummeting into the ground. If their lack of chemistry wasn't the problem, then it was the laborious pace and illogical plot developments. Oh, and the ending is laughable.



9. Baywatch

Talk about an epic fail. Trying to emulate what the Jump Street films achieved, Baywatch struggled to capture a single laugh from myself nor the entire audience I saw it with. The first mistake was not to capitalise off the star power of Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron, both of whom look to be doing what they can in this film to keep their careers untarnished and escape with as little injuries as possible. And then, in amongst all of the unfunny shenanigans, a pointless spy plotline was tossed in throwing the entire film into a nosedive towards the deepest, darkest depths of the sea that no lifeguard would even dare attempt to save.

Check out my review of Baywatch.



8. Geostorm

Here's the thing with Geostorm; this is by no mean a good movie. In fact, in terms of how the film was constructed, Geostorm might just be the worst made film of 2017. The entire plot is obscene just from reading it alone. The basic premise is that a series of satellites have been installed in space that can rectify extreme weather scenarios by firing missiles at them. Yes. You heard that right. In the most American way possible, our method to stop tornadoes, earthquakes and frosts is to shoot at it until it explodes... And if things couldn't get any worse, the film seems to prioritise the life of one dog over a plane crashing onto the beaches of Rio De Janeiro and treating that almighty disaster like it was nothing. However, with all that being said, there is something insanely entertaining about watching this atrocity unfold and almost became a game to see what stupid thing would happen next. Gerard Butler, Andy Garcia and Ed Harris should still hang their heads in shame.



7. Assassin's Creed

At this point, I think we should quit with the whole notion of adapting video games into movies. Assassin's Creed buried the final nail in the coffin early in the year and so the hopes and dreams of Assassin's Creed fans across the world were extinguished in one smooth stroke. Upon doing some extra research, it seems that Justin Kurzel was coerced into making this film in order to make his adaptation of Macbeth with Michael Fassbender and Marion Cotillard starring in both. This film lacked any inspiration whatsoever. The action sequences were haphazardly filmed and the more you thought about the story and pulled it apart, the worse your migraine became. Watching Assassin's Creed felt like I was a witness to a horrifying car crash and the whole disaster was in slow motion.

Check out my review of Assassin's Creed.



6. CHiPs

Quite frankly, CHiPs might just be one of the most vulgar, unfunny, idiotic comedies I have seen in the past few years. The chemistry between Michael Peña and Dax Shepard is about as existent as the chances of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un settling their differences and finding peace. Also, and I take no pleasure in this, but it's rare for a film of this poor calibre to directly pinpoint the blame onto one person. Unfortunately for Dax Shepard, he wrote, directed and starred in the film and the whole thing feels like he's just made a film surrounding the fact that he can ride a motorcycle. That honestly feels like the sole purpose. But CHiPs' worst sin is the way in which it treats every single female character as an object of lust and only that. I'm not even kidding. Nearly every female in this film has her tits on display or is perved over by the men. It's juvenile behaviour at its very lowest.



5. The Snowman

I saw this film near the end of 2017 and have yet been able to explicitly state my thoughts and feelings on the matter so consider this my ultra-mini review/rant on The Snowman. Starring Michael Fassbender (marking his second appearance on this list) as Harry Hole, who must solve a murder and track down a serial killer. I'm guessing at this plot. I think that's what happens. I was not won over by the trailers or posters of this film in the slightest. Whilst some people found the eerie messages and mysterious Snowman persona creepy, I was holding back the laughs. As it would turn out, I was right. The Snowman is one of the messiest films of the past decade and you will struggle to understand everything. Usually, I get this feeling if I've had a lapse of concentration during the film or not paid attention to something important. During The Snowman, my attention was at 110% throughout and I was still clueless to it all. Val Kilmer shows up at one point with a bizarre voice and an even more bizarre face. Even the director has revealed that he hates this film. 'Nuff said.



4. The Emoji Movie

Admit it, you thought this would be higher, but The Emoji Movie is right where it deserves to be and I'm going to leave it at that before I explode in furious ball of rage and lose even more IQ points. I've wasted enough words on this unmitigated piece of 💩.

Check out my review of The Emoji Movie.



3. Rings

Ladies and Gentlemen, feast your eyes on the dumbest film of 2017. Do not stare for too long because it will stain your very eyeballs and drastically decrease your mental capacity. This. Movie. SUCKS. Razzies all around for all of the performances and whoever wrote this script must be one lucky bugger for a studio executive to pick it up and deem it worthy of being made. Either that or they've blackmailed the studio. Just the concept alone is enough to make you feel uneasy. Rings attempts to expand upon the mythology set down by Gore Verbinski back in 2002 but it does the very opposite. A new cursed video is discovered and a cult is unearthed in which they pass the video around like a game of hot potato. Just writing that down infuriates me. However, can we talk about that ending? An ending that made me clench the armrests of my chair in a bout of pure rage. This movie had the gall to give its audience the middle finger, throw away everything the film had done up to that point and chuck in one of the laziest twists by making the main protagonist suddenly turn into Samara. Stupid. Bloody stupid.

Check out my review of Rings.



2. Sleepless

If Sleepless were a crime (which it well and truly is) it would be manslaughter but it would be committed by a incompetent criminal that was only aiming for shoplifting. Sleepless went off the rails right at the very beginning and never found a way to get back on track. Centered on an undercover cop who is trying to worm his way into a criminal organization, he faces being exposed when his son is kidnapped and is tasked with supplying a package of drugs back to a crime boss. Sound confusing? It does. Sound boring? It was. Sound like no one who made this film gives a hoot and does the absolute bare minimum in the hope that it will slip under the radar and fade out of memory? You betcha. However, I don't forget and I don't forgive and Sleepless has to be the most disgusting 'F U' to cinema and the art of filmmaking I've ever seen. Lazy filmmaking is becoming a blight on the entertainment industry and Sleepless is a prime example that it cannot be tolerated anymore. I hated this movie. Deep, unsettling, passionate and disturbing hatred.

Check out my review of Sleepless.


And my worst movie of 2017 is... (you should have guessed this by now)...



1. Fifty Shades Darker

May this two hour slog burn in the fiery pits of hell for the rest of eternity. Words like 'despise', 'hate' and 'abhor' do not begin to explain my true feelings for this utterly abysmal sequel. The first Fifty Shades was terrible but at least you could tell that there were a handful of people that were trying to make something of it. A couple of years later, it seems that all of the care had vanished and everyone who made this film was being ruled under by the villainous and tyrannical E. L. James. For those that aren't aware, James wrote the books that these films are based on but before then, their existence were as Twilight fanfiction. Just when you think this story cannot get even more preposterous, James supposedly rules over all production of these films, firing whomever she pleases and controlling each and every aspect. After suffering through this, it should be made law that this woman is no longer allowed anywhere near a film set. This entire 'film' (it feels wrong to refer to it as a film) is utterly void of anything remotely worthwhile. I find it astonishing that it is even feasible for something to be this bad. Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson still possess the stiffest chemistry in motion picture history. These two actors could play opposite IKEA furniture and the love would somehow be more believable. Even the sex scenes are limp and missing of any life. But worst of all, Fifty Shades Darker does not contain a single shred of proof that there is a plot. I'm not suggesting that the story is rubbish and awfully handled, but I honestly do not think Fifty Shades Darker has a story. NOTHING. FUCKING. HAPPENS. So, rest in a million pieces Fifty Shades Darker. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. Trash to trash.

Check out my review of Fifty Shades Darker.


Aaaaaaaaaaaand breathe. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Come back to the world of calm. Relax. The worst is finally over. No longer shall I be forced to think of these unmitigated disasters. Instead, let's move on from these dumpster fires and look forward to my next segment in my Year In Review; the Best Movies of 2017.

What do you think of my Worst Movies of 2017? Any you agree with? Any you disagree with? What is your least favourite movie of 2017? Sound off in the comments below.

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