Baywatch - movie review

Baywatch
Plot: Devoted lifeguard Mitch Buchannon butts heads with a brash new recruit, as they uncover a criminal plot that threatens the future of the bay.
Cast: Dwayne Johnson, Zac Efron, Alexandra Daddario
Director: Seth Gordon
Certificate: 15 (strong language, crude humour, nudity, violence)
Runtime: 1hr 56 mins
Release Date: Monday 29th May 2017

There comes a point, presumably in actors career, when, deep down, they know they're only starring for the money. This is what I presume has happened with the entirety of the cast of this revival of Baywatch. Based off of the extremely popular television series, Baywatch has none of the campy humour of the show and instead, replaces it with raunchy and racy jokes. Judging by the trailers, I presumed that this would be a laugh. I was wrong. I was so wrong.

Where are they even running to?

A quote from a review that I've seen on the side of buses and billboards states that Baywatch is "The Best Comedy of the Summer". There's three things wrong with that statement. Firstly, the word 'Best'. Baywatch is anything but close to the word 'Best'. It is the opposite of 'Best'. Therefore, that makes it the 'Worst'. So let's implement that into the equation. "The Worst Comedy Of The Summer". Already, it's starting to ring true but there's still more that needs to be done to correct it fully. Secondly, the reviewer has called it a "Comedy". Now, correct me if I'm wrong but a "Comedy" implies humour, and since there is no humour to be found in Baywatch, it surely cannot be a "Comedy". It would be like calling a Cheeseburger a Pizza. So, let's call Baywatch what it is - a film. A bad film but nonetheless, a film still. Ergo, the statement now reads, "The Worst Film of the Summer". It's close but there's still one more alteration needed. "Summer" is too narrow of a timeframe. Baywatch's quality doesn't just cover the "Summer". Oh no. Let's go ahead and expand it to "Year". That's more like it. So, all in all, that original quote, now corrected, reads, "The Worst Film of the Year". Maybe I'm over-exaggerating by suggesting it's at the top spot but it's certainly one of the worst. Quite frankly, Baywatch is a disaster on nearly every level. 

And this wasn't even the strangest thing in the movie.

Submerged within the mountains of tripe that is everything else to do with Baywatch, the only glimmer of light that can be found are the actors themselves. No one is horrendous in this movie. They are all attempting to do what they can but it's a shame that they've been saddled with an atrociously unfunny script. Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron have proven themselves to be talented comedic forces (especially Efron of late) but here, they're stuck in an excruciatingly dull plot delivering woeful dialogue. There are times, when I feel as if some of the performers broke free of the script and began to improvise but before you could smell what The Rock was cooking, they were pulled back into the script. Honestly, I felt pity for these talented actors rather than anger. Even discount Josh Gad (Jon Bass) shows that he could be a funny actor if he was given the chance but, much like the others, is trapped in a revolving sequence of fat jokes and dick jokes. Speaking of dicks, I think I've seen far too much schlong in a movie than I'd care to see in a lifetime. Never once would I have thought I'd be witnessing Zac Efron cradling a dead dude's balls. The writers and director have clearly gone for the approach of 'we're just taking the name of the show and nothing else'. One of the biggest reasons to watch Baywatch was because of two things - and both belonged to Pamela Anderson. Here, they continually beat you over the head with how raunchy they're being with constant slow mo breast shots. It would be funny if they were trying to take this piss out of it but they don't. In that instance, you're just copying the show which makes no sense because the rest of the time, you clearly want nothing to do with it. You've become the psycho ex-girlfriend who says she wants nothing to do with you but stalks your every move. Actresses like Alexandra Daddario and Priyanka Chopra, who, for the record, are usually terrific, are reduced to one-dimensional, stereotypical character archetypes. Chopra, in particular, is challenged as the film's villain because she is given nothing to work with. She only appears when the film remembers it has a plot to complete and then portrays the unlikeliest and cartoonish drug dealer.

An accurate representation of what I wanted to do after the film.

FACT: In an interview, Priyanka Chopra said that the role of the main antagonist was written for a man, but the director changed the role and the script upon meeting her.

I'll be honest, the Baywatch TV series was never a cultural icon in highbrow humour. The only demographic it really appealed to was horny little teenagers who suddenly reached puberty whilst watching or, the more likely option, would record it on their VHS and jack off to it when their parents weren't home. For that reason, I guess an adult rating would make sense but there's using the rating to your benefit and then there's exploiting it. After the thousandth dick joke, I came to the conclusion that Baywatch was dangling down it's 15 age rating like a penis and constantly slapping you in the face with it. And, unless you like being slapped with a penis, it becomes an extreme nuisance. That, I feel is Baywatch's quintessential flaw. Above all of the juvenile jokes, the bouncing boobs and the paper thin characters, is a sense of obnoxiousness. It thinks it being clever and funny but it's anything but. One of the opening scenes is a shot of Dwayne Johnson emerging from the water like a sea god as he carries a wounded kite-surfer whilst the title 'BAYWATCH' rises dramatically from the ocean and slams back down as dolphins somersault nearby. This is not smart comedy. This is the definition of you compensating with a grand and over-the-top title sequence for the fact that your movie is shite. As for the plot itself, it's a tired and morose formula. Efron comes in as the new hotshot and immediately, you can plot out that him and Johnson aren't going to get on but by the end of the film, they will have developed a respect for each other. Guess what? That's exactly what happens. Bass has a lifelong ambition to join Baywatch, which in itself is just depressing, and also has the hots for CJ Parker (Kelly Rohrbach). Unsurprisingly, everything you think that happens with his character, does happen. Many have compared this to the Jump Street franchise and I think that's pretty fair. Both were popular TV shows back in the day and now, they've been given an modern adult update. Here's the main reason as to why the Jump Street films work and Baywatch didn't. The minds behind 21 and 22 Jump Street (Phil Lord and Chris Miller) have also made Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs, The LEGO Movie and are currently filming the Han Solo spin-off. The minds behind Baywatch have been responsible for Identity Thief, The Smurfs 1 and 2 and the most recent Friday the 13th films. It was never going to work with these minds. The whole drug conspiracy they get caught in is unnecessary and the only positive result from it is the character of a police officer who is constantly interfered with by the Baywatch crew. That is where my sole laugh came from. As for the expected cameos, yes they are there. The Hoff appears briefly in a cameo that made me wish to see him back in Guardians 2 and Pamela Anderson clearly didn't want to be in this film so badly, she refused to even speak. Pamela, that may be the smartest thing you've ever done.

Look at him dive into that totally realistic and definitely non-fake 'fire'.

A shame is the best way to describe Baywatch. It becomes painful to see this respected actors and comedians have to utter these preposterous lines. Nothing made me laugh. The closest it ever got was that noise you make when you blow air out of your nose. Otherwise, this became the cinematic equivalent of testicular torsion. If I was a lifeguard and I saw this movie in need of help, the kind thing would be to let it drown.

My Verdict: 2.5/10

What did you think of Baywatch? What is your least favourite revival of an old TV show? Sound off in the comments below.

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