On Her Majesty's Secret Service - classic movie review
On Her Majesty's Secret Service
Plot: James Bond woos a mob boss's daughter and goes undercover to uncover the true reason for Blofeld's allergy research in the Swiss Alps that involves beautiful women from around the world.
Cast: George Lazenby, Diana Rigg, Telly Savalas
Director: Peter R. Hunt
Rating: PG (moderate action violence and mild innuendo)
Runtime: 2hrs 22 mins
Release Date: Friday 19th December 1969
Well, it was inevitable. In a rundown of twenty four films, the arrival of a lesser entry was always going to happen and so it does in the shape of On Her Majesty's Secret Service. With Connery taking a film off (and seemingly anyone with an ounce of talent), Bond suffers greatly in a film that prefers to be on holiday rather than knuckling down to continue from the success that came before.
Replacing Sean Connery as Bond was never going to be an easy task. Even Roger Moore never truly won me over but Connery had spent so long in the prestigious role that, in most people's eyes, he was the one and only Bond. After You Only Live Twice, Connery had sworn off starring in any more so the studio was tasked with finding a brand new actor to earn the mantle. George Lazenby was the chosen subject. Yikes! No wonder he only did one film. As far as incarnations of James Bond go, Lazenby really is the worst. With no charisma, charm or an ounce of ability to make the stilted action scenes work, Lazenby would make a better Johnny English than James Bond. Obviously, both Connery and Lazenby had very different takes on the role so to compare them isn't entirely fair. But the fact still remains, at least Connery did a good job. There were numerous moments when Lazenby delivers a supposedly quippy line, that could have worked if Connery used his wit but Lazenby has about as much charm as melted snowman AKA, a puddle. It's almost as if he didn't understand who Bond was. James Bond is a suave and sophisticated gentleman who can charm the pants off of anyone he wishes. Lazenby makes the character of Bond to become a clumsy, sexaholic, racist, sexist, homophobic and worst of all, a terrible spy. There is genuinely a moment when Bond cannot hold his own against two henchmen of Blofeld's. In previous films, Bond could have taken these two out with ease. I may be mistaken but I'd put money on Lazenby being a prolific pacifist because, unless it's the last resort, this Bond hardly kills and does a lousy job of getting rid of whoever stands in his way. Ultimately, the only thing redeemable about Lazenby's portrayal of James Bond is that it's short-lived.
Alongside Bond in his mindless crusade, is his wife, Tracy. You read correctly. Bond now has a wife. Not for mission's sake. He actually falls in love and marries. If Bond wants to marry, at least let it make the tiniest bit of sense towards the story. Bond's introduced to Tracy because...reasons? This film lost my attention so many times that either I missed the explanation or the writers couldn't be bothered and assumed that the audience must all be catatonic morons. The saving grace about Tracy is that, Diana Rigg tries to make her character at least interesting. She's very beautiful and her acting is more than acceptable but the progression of Tracy, her reasons of inclusion to the story and her eventual depressing conclusion makes her a forgettable Bond girl. Plus, what kind of Bond girl name is Tracy? We've had Pussy Galore for crying out loud. That's like having children and naming them Balthazar, Jeremiah and Derek. There's nothing wrong with the name Derek but in comparison to the other names, it's the anomaly. On Her Majesty's Secret Service had the potential to save itself with the promise of Blofeld appearing again as the main antagonist. Even with a change of actor who looks nothing like the previous interpretation, there was still a chance that this could have been the portrayal of Blofeld Bond fans so richly deserved. Was it? Meh. Telly Savalas was mediocre. He ditches the Russian accent, monocle and bald head and just plays a typical Bond villain. Savalas does a considerably better job than Donald Pleasence did but still, Blofeld came across as a wimp who can never work out a fully realised plan. Not to mention he has one of the dumbest, most idiotic and brain numbingly stupid plans for world domination.
FACT: The theme "We Have All the Time in the World" was the last thing that Louis Armstrong ever recorded - he died two years later.
Seeing as I've pretty much bashed the film so far, I might as well state the positives of which there are a few. Now just let me think. Still thinking. I'm still thinking. This is tougher than I thought. Let me get back to you on that. Focusing on the downsides is much simpler. To begin with, On Her Majesty's Secret Service is a total bore. The pacing is hardly ever correct and with a film lasting two hours and twenty minutes, it feels twice the length. Full of pointless interactions, a coma inducing first act and unexplained inclusions, the director and team behind it all truly struggled to craft even a slightly coherent film. The narrative and overall mission for Bond is nonsensical and the actual movie plays out as an opportunity for Bond to have a holiday, shag a few pretty women and eventually get wrapped in an end of the world conspiracy. Everything about it feels accidental rather than a headstrong outline of what the film was aiming for. Rather than easing the Bond girl in to help move the events of the story forward, Tracy's inclusion feels ultimately unnecessary and creates this extra plotline that needn't be in the movie at all. In fact, if removed, I estimate that it would have cut half an hour out. Worst of all, when Bond does arrive at the winter seclusion orchestrated by Blofeld, the film goes from being dull to absolute stupidity. Bond is tasked with going undercover to infiltrate a therapy clinic that is apparently curing people of their fears. Bond, under the pseudonym of being a homosexual wanting to be gone of his love for men (it's the 60's. Those were bad times), decides, instead of doing actual spy work, to use the rehabilitation area to catch up on sex that he's missed. Just when it couldn't possibly get any more ridiculous, Blofeld's plan to control the world, is to use these patients at the clinic, to form his own army through the use of hypnosis. On paper, it's not the worst idea ever created. In reality, when you hear Blofeld hypnotising a patient to overcome their fear of chickens, you begin to lose brain cells. This has to be one of the worst villainous domination plans to ever feature in cinema. EUREKA! I've finally discovered a positive. The sets. Whilst nothing as special as the volcano from You Only Live Twice, the mountaintop retreat/lair does look impressive and in the climax when helicopters attack, for a film of that time, the action is handled impressively. Other sets like the clockwork interior and final ski chase are executed with little problems. It's more to do with the hand to hand combat scenes that the action dips in quality. Too many quick edits make for a dizzying and confusing viewing experience.
Even by early Bond standards this is silly. Laughable plot mixed with slow pacing results in a dull entry. Lazenby fails to present a convincing Bond and the others around him struggle to make the poor dialogue and brainless story work. Despite the decently crafted sets, On Her Majesty's Secret Service has to be one of the worst Bond movies ever.
My Verdict: 3/10
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